I have a love-hate relationships with Bed Bath & Beyond. The love part is that I love to give them all my money for overpriced gadgets that I don’t need. The hate part is the fact that there are no commas in their name when clearly there should be. Clearly.

Still, I needed an over-the-toilet shelf thingy to hold my towels the other week, so I made peace with the grammar gods and walked in. Immediately, I was overcome with the urge to purchase a three-gallon outdoor drink mixer thingy with a spout. Seriously, who doesn’t need that. I resisted the urges, but also picked up and carried around to bright pink candle holder thingies before yelling at myself mentally and throwing them back on the shelf in a fit of self-loathing and rage.

In writing the last paragraph, I’ve realized that Bed Bath & Beyond sells a lot of “thingies.”

Anyway, on to the bathroom section. I found the bathroom shelf of my dreams and patted myself on the back as I approached the counter because that’s what I actually walked into the store to purchase. Then, disaster stuck. Disaster by the name of “clearance section.”

Seriously, I tried to avoid it. I really did. But there was a pretty blue photo album calling my name. It was only three dollars! Which, in Bed Bath & Beyond language means that it was on sale for 99% off. And I’ve been meaning to buy a photo album to store my coupons. So I grabbed it. I had to. You understand.

All mine, suckas.

The girl at the register was super nice and chatty. I always appreciate when cashiers talk to me. Like, hello, I’m a human being buying household items. You are not a robot. Say hello. But of course, as is often the case, my elation that the cashier was not a drone (or was at least a very high-functioning drone) was smashed…because the first thing out of her mouth was this:

“Oh, super cute album! Is it a gift?”

What? Is it a…what? No, sorry to burst your bubble, Miss Chatty McChatterpants. I’m a selfish jerk who bought a $3 photo album for herself.

Seriously, there is no good way to answer that question. I could lie and say, “Why yes, it is a gift for the orphans.” but let’s face it - my guilt-ridden self would then likely go home and actually try to find an orphan who needed a photo album. Or, I could tell her the truth, the cold, cold, truth, that I’m a complete bitch would never even though of purchasing an item at the store as a gift for someone else.

Instead, I took option three. Which was this:

“Wha-? Gift? Haha, no. Coupons! Aghr, I mean, what? Thanks.” *throws money on the counter and scurries away*

So there you have it. Bed Bath & Beyond, who doesn’t even have the decency to use proper punctuation, called me a selfish jerk.

Oh, you were here looking for a life lesson? Here it is: When selling products, don’t put a giant impossible-to-remove-without-causing-a-sticky-mess clearance sticker on it. You will piss customers off as they are forced to use X-men stickers to cover up the disaster.

Selfish coupon holder photo album. Now with more Wolverine. Let's be honest, it probably should be sold this way to begin with. Major improvement.

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