I have a love-hate relationships with Bed Bath & Beyond. The love part is that I love to give them all my money for overpriced gadgets that I don’t need. The hate part is the fact that there are no commas in their name when clearly there should be. Clearly.

Still, I needed an over-the-toilet shelf thingy to hold my towels the other week, so I made peace with the grammar gods and walked in. Immediately, I was overcome with the urge to purchase a three-gallon outdoor drink mixer thingy with a spout. Seriously, who doesn’t need that. I resisted the urges, but also picked up and carried around to bright pink candle holder thingies before yelling at myself mentally and throwing them back on the shelf in a fit of self-loathing and rage.

In writing the last paragraph, I’ve realized that Bed Bath & Beyond sells a lot of “thingies.”

Anyway, on to the bathroom section. I found the bathroom shelf of my dreams and patted myself on the back as I approached the counter because that’s what I actually walked into the store to purchase. Then, disaster stuck. Disaster by the name of “clearance section.”

Seriously, I tried to avoid it. I really did. But there was a pretty blue photo album calling my name. It was only three dollars! Which, in Bed Bath & Beyond language means that it was on sale for 99% off. And I’ve been meaning to buy a photo album to store my coupons. So I grabbed it. I had to. You understand.

The girl at the register was super nice and chatty. I always appreciate when cashiers talk to me. Like, hello, I’m a human being buying household items. You are not a robot. Say hello. But of course, as is often the case, my elation that the cashier was not a drone (or was at least a very high-functioning drone) was smashed…because the first thing out of her mouth was this:

“Oh, super cute album! Is it a gift?”

What? Is it a…what? No, sorry to burst your bubble, Miss Chatty McChatterpants. I’m a selfish jerk who bought a $3 photo album for herself.

Seriously, there is no good way to answer that question. I could lie and say, “Why yes, it is a gift for the orphans.” but let’s face it - my guilt-ridden self would then likely go home and actually try to find an orphan who needed a photo album. Or, I could tell her the truth, the cold, cold, truth, that I’m a complete bitch would never even though of purchasing an item at the store as a gift for someone else.

Instead, I took option three. Which was this:

“Wha-? Gift? Haha, no. Coupons! Aghr, I mean, what? Thanks.” *throws money on the counter and scurries away*

So there you have it. Bed Bath & Beyond, who doesn’t even have the decency to use proper punctuation, called me a selfish jerk.

Oh, you were here looking for a life lesson? Here it is: When selling products, don’t put a giant impossible-to-remove-without-causing-a-sticky-mess clearance sticker on it. You will piss customers off as they are forced to use X-men stickers to cover up the disaster.