If you’ve been a long-time reader here at After Graduation, you might remember my theory that Yoko Ono is mocking me. While I’m pretty sure that’s still true, because it would be just like me to be constantly mocked by someone who can’t quite figure out how to wear glasses, I have bigger fish to fry today. I’ve just realized that Heidi Klum is mocking me, perhaps even plotting against me.


I was having this conversation with my friend about the fact that you can’t compete with babies. As in, if someone’s mom or grandmother was going to pick one child to visit, she’d go wherever the babies are. Thank god that my sister is a bigger geek than I am and is also single. Okay, that’s wishful thinking; I’m a much bigger geek. But she’s not far behind, and after all, I have five years on her. (I love you, Jessie. But if you have babies before me, I’ll cut you.)

Anyway, this original conversation was with a male friend of mine, and I’m pretty sure that talking about babies in any way makes a man’s cells start to individually migrate away from the girl who’s chattering away about ovulation cycles and maternal instincts, so our conversation changed pretty quickly. When I got home, though, I was still thinking about babies, and I started talking to another (this time female) friend about them.

Me: “Seriously, fuck babies.”

Friend: “What did babies ever do to you?”

Me: “You’re right, but I can’t say fuck mothers. I love my mom.”

Friend: “Well, you don’t have to say fuck your mom.”

Me: “You’re right again. Who’s the symbol of motherhood? Fuck that person. Fuck…Heidi Klum!”

Friend: “Heidi Klum?”

Me: “She’s always preggers. Heidi Klum is mocking me.”

My friend went on to point out that while Heidi Klum is pregnant quiet often, she’s not currently pregnant, and perhaps Angelina Jolie would be a better victim of my conspiracy theory, but really, that chick collects kids more than she has them herself. How can you persecute someone who collects children (you know, legitimately, not in the back of a windowless van or something)?

But I digress. There are few things I’d love more in this life than to be a mommy, to have that flock of little duckies following me around. I suspect that I’ll be an awesome mother, since I’ve already learned to hoard my wine in a locked refrigerator so others can’t get it. That’s pretty much the most important parenting skill one can have, right?

The fact that I don’t yet have kids, all joking aside, kind of gets me down at times.

Not to bring you down, because then I’ll get all mopey too. Hold it together, readers! Because there is hope. Yes, even for me. Heidi Klum didn’t even think about having babies until she was around 30. She was already had a successful career as a model, and the kids didn’t slow her down - she has become an even stronger business woman since then.

So why am I telling you all about my personal egg-counting bullshit and how Heidi Klum simultaneously pisses me off and gives me hope?

Because there’s an important career lesson in my story: There’s always time. Until there isn’t.

You might already have some little brats angels running around, or you might never want kids, but you can replace “having a family” with any career or life goal you might have and the message remains the same. Stop telling yourself that you’re too old to do something, that’s it’s too late. And stop thinking you have forever to achieve your goals. Life is finite, and if you never push yourself to getting around to doing something (like having kids or switching your career to something you love or opening your own business or whatever), it probably won’t happen. You have to make things happen.

So yes, Heidi Klum is mocking me, but I don’t mind. It keeps me honest. Mothers who seem to regularly pop ‘em out remind me that this is what I want eventually, and no matter how driven I am with my career, I need to be driven in my personal relationships as well.

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  1. Stephanie (Reply) on Thursday 12, 2011

    I was talking about something similar earlier today, and saying how I just don’t want to have kids because I’m young, have plans and fun things to do still, etc. And then I received the response, “Well what about after you do those? You gonna wait till you’re 40 to go to Japan, learn a language, etc? Even if you do it by 30, what of the rest of your life? Give someone else a chance to live it.”

    Ahhhhhh babies. You’re so gross and smelly and weird. Then I started reading my Food Network Magazine and it made me want a family to cook for. Then I started worrying because I don’t get home from work until 8:30pm, and I leave at 7:30am - that I won’t have time to practice cooking meals or to ever take care of a family, which actually got me a little down for a moment.

    • Allison (Reply) on Thursday 12, 2011

      Babies are totally weird, but it isn’t their fault. Most of the time. Okay, it’s totally their fault.

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